How to Dedicate Your Life to Music Even When You're Scared

Give up on having self-confidence, make besties with your fear, and live in service of your creative intuition

On our live call last week, one of our brilliant members shared bravely about something we all face as musicians and as people.

He shared about his fear. And specifically, the fear of striving toward something remarkable after a life-changing setback.

To anyone he meets, this guy comes across as smart, successful, and interesting. He’s working on a big, exciting project that has the potential to have a huge positive impact on how a large slice of the music industry does business. What could be better than that?

But this isn’t his first rodeo and the last big awesome project he poured himself into was interrupted by a life-threatening disease that forced him to put down work and focus on healing, which he did. But by the time he recovered, the moment had passed on the thing he was building.

As he looks forward at the prospect of this big, new undertaking, he feels the thing any of us would feel, and what probably most of us have felt at one point or another. The fear of going all in when you know how hard it hurts to have something special fall apart.

You, Me, and Everyone We Know

While his story is specific, nearly every musician and industry person I know suffered serious setbacks during the height of Covid, the kind that would render anyone a little shaky on their feet.

But also almost every music person I know experienced serious setbacks before covid began. And also since. And also most non-music people. Life is messy, especially when you’re motivated by the drive to make stuff that doesn’t exist yet.

Of course, I don’t relate to this at all. I’ve never had my life fall apart. And even if I did, I haven’t experienced subsequent failures. And even if I did, I’m not afraid of future ones. I’m not writing this for myself. Leave me alone.

When Good Things Create Fear

Most frustrating of all, perhaps, is when fear shows up because things are too good. I had another member of my group post a note this week about finally having an opportunity (life circumstances lining up) to really lean in and pursue her ambitions of being a full-time artist. And she’s terrified. What could be more relatable than that.

She mentioned feeling the need to summon more self-confidence than she really has.

Fuck Self Confidence

When I read her note, I was so upset on her behalf. Summon self confidence. We’ve been told self-confidence is the magic ingredient. Like what does that even mean?

Right now, today, in this post, we’re gonna get you set up with something better than self-confidence that will help you do the damn thing even when you’re scared.

First The Bad News

Unfortunately, the person you once were is dead. You’ll never be able to live as freely as you did before your setback, or more likely setbacks. You also have a deeper understanding of the human experience, and boy is it a range! But in the immortal words of Rabbi Menachem Mendel, there is nothing so whole as a broken heart.

One cool thing about going through some shit is that you often come out the other end, wiser, more resilient, and with any luck, softer, and with a greater appreciation for the miraculous, fragile life we all share. And maybe also more afraid. And that’s ok.

As my friend, the brilliant coach Nat Fassler says, AFOG. (Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth)

None of this could justify what happened to you. It wasn’t fair. It was shitty. But it did happen and honestly, you’ll probably make much better art and probably better decisions than a more fortunate you would have. I know, experience is a shitty consolation prize. But stay with me, it gets better.

Fear Is The Navigator

One thing we know about fear is that you can’t convince it to go away, and for good reason. Your fear has vital information that shouldn’t be ignored. For example, projects can fall apart and that can hurt. That’s a real risk. Hearts often break. Ticket sales may come up short. And whether you like it or not, your fear is coming along for the ride.

If you don’t want it driving the car, you’re gonna need to make it real comfy in the passenger seat. More on that in the next part.

If you heed the wisdom of your fears, you can use it to build something better for yourself and your collaborators. You can’t do this unless you respect your fears, and act with authority, in the best interest of your deepest pain.

Two Things Better Than Self Confidence

Fear can be so loud that it can sound a lot like The Truth TM. In order to live peacefully with your fear, you must do two things. First, you have to learn to hold your fear and take care of it. Second, you must finely tune your inner ear to the timbral quality of fear so that you can distinguish it from your creative joy. And here’s how you do that.

1. The Safety You Need

So the thing here is to validate your deepest fears and get curious about what you’d need, given that those fears probably won’t just evaporate, in order to feel safe taking that big leap. Imagine a worst-case-scenario in which you feel well-cared for.

Example:

Fear: I’m afraid my company will fall apart if I get sick again.

Question: What conversations, contingencies, support do I need to put in place in order to know that what I’m building will continue and thrive in the worst case scenario?

Example:

Fear: I’m afraid our record will fall flat after it’s released and nobody will care about it.

Question: How can I make sure we have post-release plans to keep momentum going? What if I throw the band a really sweet album flop party before we get up the next day and get to work on regional touring?

Example:

Fear: I’m afraid that if I only focus on music I’ll miss out on financial stability!

Question: How much financial stability do I need to feel safe?

Once you’re having this kind of constructive conversation with your fear, you can make a plan! The plan is almost always less sexy than your dream scenario. It’s slower. It’s safer. But it’s also stronger and probably more achievable.

2. The Spark You Follow

“Believe in yourself” is such an annoying request - it’s a task most of us can only fake, and usually only sometimes. A much, much easier, and more helpful goal is just putting the joy of your art first. Like, the physical sensation of enjoying what you’re making or doing. I’m talking about truly focusing on having that be the North Star of where you’re going and what you’re doing. Anything you build that’s disconnected from your creative pleasure is going to suck ass.

You don’t need to believe in yourself, you just need to act in service of whatever thing you do believe in, no matter how small. Me? I believe in melty guitars and gnarly boom-bap hip hop beats. I believe in recording a song moments after it materialized. I believe that arming artists with knowledge and perspective will lead to a better world. I believe in playing on the floor with my son. Shit like that.

Often times your fear comes in to try and steer the ship of your creativity. Make a likable album. Don’t wear the shiny pants. Stuff like that.

Fear feels urgent. Your intuition feels like cool melty guitars. Sometimes your intuitive ideas are so joyful that they seem stupid, but they’re not. Protect those ideas with your life.

When you learn to feel into the difference between your fear and your creative intuition, you learn to respond to each in kind.

Fear gets respect and an extra seatbelt, but it doesn’t drive the ship.

Intuition shows you which direction to run in.

Here’s A Cool Exercise

Keep a notebook in your pocket and practice writing down your fear thoughts and your intuitive/creative thoughts. I bet your fear thoughts will be louder, more noticeable. You’ll probably have way more of them.

At the end of the day, pick one or two fears to have a constructive conversation with. What outcomes are they most afraid of? What would help them feel safer?

It will probably be trickier noticing your inspiration, so take your time with this one and don’t be frustrated if it’s slower going. Strengthening the muscle of listening to your subtle bursts of “what if” is one of the best things you can do for your creative practice.

See how many “what ifs” you can follow through on. They can start so small. Write a letter. Bring flowers home. Listen to that old record. Draw. Read a poem at your next live show. Ask the other band to come sing on stage with you. Record the wind.

They might feel inconsequential, but sparks that come from this place are powerful and can have massive ripple effects. Chase down as many as you can.

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If you want an opportunity to talk with me and a small, amazing group of likeminded artists, please consider joining as a paid subscriber. I’ll be raising my rate from $6/month to $10/month for new subscribers, so if you want to lock in your forever rate of $6, join now before the rate hike next week.

Our group meets up for 90 mins weekly and we go DEEP into the individual challenges of group members. We have an amazing rotating cast of musicians, labels, experts, and industry people from all over the world, and as of now, rarely have more than 5 people at a time on our calls.

I also send out recordings of our live sessions, so you can be caught up if you ever miss one.

And if you’re needing more hands-on help getting your music project or music business off the ground, find your way over to my about page where you can find my booking & audience building workbook and links to book private sessions with me.

May you all find yourself among good friends making good music.

Your pal,

Cassidy