I definitely relate to oftentimes seeing my pursuit of music as "frivolous" and "selfish." Glad you are taking that step to prioritize music in your life again! (Also, underrated detail of this article is that you signed your first record deal at fifteen?!? That may have been a lifetime ago, but what an accomplishment!)
Thank you, but this is less impressive than it seems - there was a time when there were lots of sweet little independent labels signing bands back when you could sell CDs 💿 💛
💪💪💪 It’s not easy to “do it all” AND have any energy left to be creative! I’m in that boat as well… But it sounds like you have a good start on prioritizing things! 💪💪💪
Ok, wow. I’m so happy that I was able to help you along on your journey in some way. Hooray for meaningful connections and real conversations happening on Substack. I’m so happy for you 🥲 💕
This hits me. I am a husband and older (50) parent of two young boys (7 and 9). I did NOT expect to be where I am now… in my mind I’m still 30; my body reminds me I’m not. My wife is an artist and all around creative person and I dabble with music, but I am more than burned out on my 9-5 office job and we are trying to figure out ways to monetize our passions so I can be with them all more. I went to work late yesterday to take the kids to school and left early to pick them up and it was the best day I’ve had in a long time!
I was a music industry major in the mid 90’s in Southern California but did not finish (I never had the temperament for school) and played in a living room punk band with friends around the same time. Never published any music although I want to, but now with work and kids by the time I can play I am mostly too exhausted. My family is my first love and priority, music and art are the passions of my household. Gotta make it all work together for our mental health!
It will only benefit your son more, if you are living your authentic life more. Playing music is a huge part of that. It will demonstrate to him that it's good to have creative passions and to keep them if they provide meaning to your life.
I can't think of anything I would've loved more as a kid than having parents who embraced and shared their artistic souls with me. Funny enough, both of my parents went to art school, but then kinda lost touch with it and started telling me things like, "oh you'd be a great lawyer," which confused the heck out of me because all I cared about was playing music and making collages and painting and writing.
What a gift you're giving your son, nourishing his creative nature. It's funny, the idea that playing music is frivolous. I have that thought sometimes about myself... how silly that I just want to feel and express and share things... but then I remember art is what makes life worth it, and possible, even.. Keep going <33333
I chaperoned the kindergarten school field trip to the zoo once. I don't like zoos and I don't like swarms of little kids screaming at and around me, either. It was chaos and I practically needed an isolation chamber afterwards.
I feel this guilt though, but I think that some moms and dads absolutely love doing that stuff, as much as some others love baking cookies, or organizing fundraisers or decorating the gym. That is their passion as much as music is yours.
I like to think that its the sharing of our passions that form the core closeness memories for our children, whether its baking or trips to guitar center, or fishing or whatever. Lit up people light up other people. Rock on!
Wow, this is the epiphany I had five years ago and I haven't looked back. My kids are 8 and 11 now, our house is exactly as you describe - chaotic and full of guitars, amps, synths, leads, random instruments (inc a trombone for some reason). The kids write songs together - maybe because I got selfish enough to shut myself away to write, and explained what I was doing? They come to my gigs and play themselves and despite all my guilt, they love it all. My eldest brought a new friend home for tea last night and the PRIDE in his voice "yeah there are basically at least three guitars in every room". You will fly and he will love having a creatively fulfilled mum ❤️ go go go
Cassidy, I am also a Bay Area-based creative, single parent, and met my kids’ mom through the music industry. I don’t have tattoos, but the music scene at the Phoenix Theater shaped my youth, and these days I spend most of my time reading weird nonfiction books or listening to music.
I definitely don’t fit the mold of suburban dad.
I have two boys, one in second grade and the other in fourth grade. But there are many conventional suburban dad things I never do with my kids:
- They are not in Little League
- They are not in Cub Scouts
- I don’t hang out with their friends’ parents
- We don’t go to neighborhood BBQ’s
- I don’t have the money to take them to Disneyland / buy them VR video game headsets or whatever.
And much more.
But I do see my boys every week, and we do adventures that fit us, as the Callister family. It’s our unique space. We go to bookstores, read, or play at the park. Hang out at the beach, play imaginary games. We learn and grow and challenge each other.
I honestly don’t care what other families do, or what other “dads” in the world look like. Very little of what I do fits that.
I can tell from your writing that you are deeply dedicated to your son and his wellbeing, and I think you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. Given that your son seems to have inherited your creative genes, it will probably help him to see that being creative and outside-the-box is okay. It will help him make sense of his creative, messy brain. "Mom and dad are creative like me."
Family defines what’s normal for you. My grandfather was an eccentric, gay architect who regularly took me to the SF MOMA and my father worked as an actor and professional photographer. Knowing that my family supported my weird interests in art, music, and reading books is probably the most important thing my parents ever gave me. I never felt bad for being emotionally sensitive, quiet, cerebral, and interested in the arts. In my family, that was better than being in the PTA.
Wow so many amazing parallels! I even grew up going to the Phoenix too (when I could get a ride)! Thank you so much for sharing and offering the expansion of someone who grew up in an environment that supported your creativity. I love to hear this.
Thanks, and I really enjoy your content, even though I am not currently making music. I know that perhaps I had a unique upbringing and that many creative kids don't quite have that support. All creatives will in some sense not fit the mold -- it's our curse and our gift.
Being a Dad myself I relate a lot to what you're feeling. One thing that has been working for me now for 13 years (fck, time flies!) is that I never say I won't do something because of my kids. If I decide not go to rehearsal or whatever, it's because of me. Not them! Kids (and partners...) will always demand your presence, it's your decision to be there or not. So it's your choice. Maybe it's just semantics and I'm not a single parent, so I don't really have the same demands, but I really believe in it. It helps me not to feel guilty when I choose to focus and be with them, and also the other way around. I'm glad you're finding time to make music again. It's important!
After seeing your picture with your guitar (is it an old Teisco or something?), I'm glad you didn't get the ugly pointy Ibanez. :)
I definitely relate to oftentimes seeing my pursuit of music as "frivolous" and "selfish." Glad you are taking that step to prioritize music in your life again! (Also, underrated detail of this article is that you signed your first record deal at fifteen?!? That may have been a lifetime ago, but what an accomplishment!)
Thank you, but this is less impressive than it seems - there was a time when there were lots of sweet little independent labels signing bands back when you could sell CDs 💿 💛
Understandable, but still cool!
Moms make music! You can do it!
I’m trying, Jessie 😭❤️
💪💪💪 It’s not easy to “do it all” AND have any energy left to be creative! I’m in that boat as well… But it sounds like you have a good start on prioritizing things! 💪💪💪
It’s a start! I feel like such a beginner, but I’m prepared for it to be a messy process. <3
🫀
💛
Ok, wow. I’m so happy that I was able to help you along on your journey in some way. Hooray for meaningful connections and real conversations happening on Substack. I’m so happy for you 🥲 💕
Also, realizing I was basically wearing my pajamas 😀
That’s how we DO in the DYL2M community ❤️❤️❤️
This hits me. I am a husband and older (50) parent of two young boys (7 and 9). I did NOT expect to be where I am now… in my mind I’m still 30; my body reminds me I’m not. My wife is an artist and all around creative person and I dabble with music, but I am more than burned out on my 9-5 office job and we are trying to figure out ways to monetize our passions so I can be with them all more. I went to work late yesterday to take the kids to school and left early to pick them up and it was the best day I’ve had in a long time!
I was a music industry major in the mid 90’s in Southern California but did not finish (I never had the temperament for school) and played in a living room punk band with friends around the same time. Never published any music although I want to, but now with work and kids by the time I can play I am mostly too exhausted. My family is my first love and priority, music and art are the passions of my household. Gotta make it all work together for our mental health!
The mental health component is so crucial. These kiddos are relying on us to be as well as we can be.
It will only benefit your son more, if you are living your authentic life more. Playing music is a huge part of that. It will demonstrate to him that it's good to have creative passions and to keep them if they provide meaning to your life.
From what I can tell you’re the parent of a kid who is full blown thriving creatively, so I’ll happily take that advice ❤️
I can't think of anything I would've loved more as a kid than having parents who embraced and shared their artistic souls with me. Funny enough, both of my parents went to art school, but then kinda lost touch with it and started telling me things like, "oh you'd be a great lawyer," which confused the heck out of me because all I cared about was playing music and making collages and painting and writing.
What a gift you're giving your son, nourishing his creative nature. It's funny, the idea that playing music is frivolous. I have that thought sometimes about myself... how silly that I just want to feel and express and share things... but then I remember art is what makes life worth it, and possible, even.. Keep going <33333
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. FWIW, I think you'd be an absolute shit lawyer.
Shit lawyer? Yep. Best compliment ever. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your story <333
Aww I knew you resonated with me, but I didn't realize we were soul kin. Inspired!
!! Are you Music Mom too?
7 year-old-twins and a 4-year-old band 🥰
Oh heck yeah!
I chaperoned the kindergarten school field trip to the zoo once. I don't like zoos and I don't like swarms of little kids screaming at and around me, either. It was chaos and I practically needed an isolation chamber afterwards.
I feel this guilt though, but I think that some moms and dads absolutely love doing that stuff, as much as some others love baking cookies, or organizing fundraisers or decorating the gym. That is their passion as much as music is yours.
I like to think that its the sharing of our passions that form the core closeness memories for our children, whether its baking or trips to guitar center, or fishing or whatever. Lit up people light up other people. Rock on!
This is such an important point. All the love in the world to the magical people on the PTA, baking cookies, doing yoga.
Also yeah, those zoo field trips are a special kind of exhausting...
Wow, this is the epiphany I had five years ago and I haven't looked back. My kids are 8 and 11 now, our house is exactly as you describe - chaotic and full of guitars, amps, synths, leads, random instruments (inc a trombone for some reason). The kids write songs together - maybe because I got selfish enough to shut myself away to write, and explained what I was doing? They come to my gigs and play themselves and despite all my guilt, they love it all. My eldest brought a new friend home for tea last night and the PRIDE in his voice "yeah there are basically at least three guitars in every room". You will fly and he will love having a creatively fulfilled mum ❤️ go go go
This is so so so incredible. Also that your kids write songs together? Absolutely beautiful ❤️
Cassidy, I am also a Bay Area-based creative, single parent, and met my kids’ mom through the music industry. I don’t have tattoos, but the music scene at the Phoenix Theater shaped my youth, and these days I spend most of my time reading weird nonfiction books or listening to music.
I definitely don’t fit the mold of suburban dad.
I have two boys, one in second grade and the other in fourth grade. But there are many conventional suburban dad things I never do with my kids:
- They are not in Little League
- They are not in Cub Scouts
- I don’t hang out with their friends’ parents
- We don’t go to neighborhood BBQ’s
- I don’t have the money to take them to Disneyland / buy them VR video game headsets or whatever.
And much more.
But I do see my boys every week, and we do adventures that fit us, as the Callister family. It’s our unique space. We go to bookstores, read, or play at the park. Hang out at the beach, play imaginary games. We learn and grow and challenge each other.
I honestly don’t care what other families do, or what other “dads” in the world look like. Very little of what I do fits that.
I can tell from your writing that you are deeply dedicated to your son and his wellbeing, and I think you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. Given that your son seems to have inherited your creative genes, it will probably help him to see that being creative and outside-the-box is okay. It will help him make sense of his creative, messy brain. "Mom and dad are creative like me."
Family defines what’s normal for you. My grandfather was an eccentric, gay architect who regularly took me to the SF MOMA and my father worked as an actor and professional photographer. Knowing that my family supported my weird interests in art, music, and reading books is probably the most important thing my parents ever gave me. I never felt bad for being emotionally sensitive, quiet, cerebral, and interested in the arts. In my family, that was better than being in the PTA.
Wow so many amazing parallels! I even grew up going to the Phoenix too (when I could get a ride)! Thank you so much for sharing and offering the expansion of someone who grew up in an environment that supported your creativity. I love to hear this.
Thanks, and I really enjoy your content, even though I am not currently making music. I know that perhaps I had a unique upbringing and that many creative kids don't quite have that support. All creatives will in some sense not fit the mold -- it's our curse and our gift.
Wow Caaaaaasss!!! You hit the nail on the head with this one…made me cry a little…Thank you for this, you inspire me 🥰
I wrote this for you, Jenny!!! Thank you so much for being on this journey with me!
Love it!! You totally Rock ❤️
Hang in there - posts about negativity in music and finding your sound coming soon, darling!
Whooo hooo!!! I’m pumped!
Being a Dad myself I relate a lot to what you're feeling. One thing that has been working for me now for 13 years (fck, time flies!) is that I never say I won't do something because of my kids. If I decide not go to rehearsal or whatever, it's because of me. Not them! Kids (and partners...) will always demand your presence, it's your decision to be there or not. So it's your choice. Maybe it's just semantics and I'm not a single parent, so I don't really have the same demands, but I really believe in it. It helps me not to feel guilty when I choose to focus and be with them, and also the other way around. I'm glad you're finding time to make music again. It's important!
After seeing your picture with your guitar (is it an old Teisco or something?), I'm glad you didn't get the ugly pointy Ibanez. :)
Say one more thing about my son's beautiful dream guitar (that he's saving up for), I dare you.
Sorry about that.
Haha all good I’m just playing around 🥰
🧡🧡🧡
💛💛💛